Trigger Warning: This article will discuss personal experiences with domestic violence and sensitive topics.
I didn’t think it’d ever happen to me. I had a successful career, an incredible lifestyle, big dreams and supportive family and friends, yet for 3.5 years I secretly navigated the depths of an abusive relationship enduring mental torment, manipulation, control and physical violence.
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There are 1.7 million women who experience abuse and I became one of those women. Chances are someone close to you is involved in an abusive relationship behind closed doors - that’s the shocking reality of these statistics. It is for them, for those who came before, and those who will sadly follow, that I choose to share my story.
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Abuse is intelligent and insidious; creeping up on you slowly before grasping you tightly with both hands. With every cutting remark and hyper-critical comment, confidence fades away, barely even noticeable, leaving you a shell of the woman you once was.
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He was charismatic, romantic, charming and he swept me off my feet in a whirlwind. Love has a way of blurring the lines between what is acceptable and what is abusive. I had confused love and pain. He’d message constantly, check my whereabouts and isolate me from family and friends. This cycle of control intensified into life-threatening situations and I wasn’t prepared for any of it.
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One night we walked into a bar on holiday and a (male) stranger simply looked in my direction, immediately my partner turned his head and gave me "that look’’. I knew exactly what it meant, I was all too familiar with it—there would be consequences. His own insecurities and inner turmoil triggered his outbursts of jealousy and rage, and I’d have to pay for it in the form of violence. As we walked through the door of our villa that evening, it started. After hours of horrific abuse I woke up on the kitchen floor. I’d blacked out.
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As I lay on the floor paralysed in fear, I prayed in silence. Begging to be saved. Moments later a blue light flashed through the window and I could hear a siren getting louder and louder. It couldn’t be…
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The police burst through the door and came to my rescue. This wasn’t the first time the police were forced to intervene and it wasn’t the last. I took him back time and time again out of fear of what he’d do if I left him. Statistics show on average it takes a woman 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship for good. There was a part of me that thought I could help him and save him from his demons but the reality is, you can't save anyone except yourself. I blamed myself for the way he treated me and when he said I was worthless and would be nothing without him, I believed him. I want you to know you are never responsible for someone else's behaviour.
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Fear kept me in that relationship. It took every ounce of strength and courage to walk away. He stalked, harassed and threatened me, my family and friends; relentlessly. Abusers become unpredictable, volatile and vengeful when they lose control and power over you, they'll do anything to get it back.
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I made a plan of action to rebuild my life—I knew it was time to take my power back. I felt ashamed and humiliated but I moved forward anyway. His last words to me were "If I can't have you then no one will", it sent chills down my spine. I cut all contact, changed my number, blocked him and any mutual acquaintances to safeguard my whereabouts, yet he still blackmailed me, taunted me on social media platforms, sent hundreds of emails and did everything he could to try and break me. Nothing worked though. I remained steadfast in my belief that he would disappear from my life one day, and he did.
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I knew the aftermath of abuse would be destructive and complex and I accepted it was going to be an arduous journey, but I was willing to go to war for myself. I was fighting for my freedom. Even though I moved home and started a brand new life somewhere he couldn’t find me, the abuse lingered through PTSD, depression, anxiety and night terrors, and just when I thought I’d gotten some form of normality over my life, a friend passed away and my entire world came crashing down. I battled through immense grief and heartbreak, contemplating suicide. I would’ve done anything for the pain to stop. It was unbearable. The years of stress and trauma had disastrous effects on my health and wellbeing, and my body shut down leaving me bed bound with chronic health issues.
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Rebuilding my life from rock bottom was gruelling and exhausting, yet buried deep in my heart there was always a glimmer of hope. I stuck to my plan and each day I'd wake up with one intention... to make it through the next 24 hours. I went to therapy and prioritised self-care practices, exercising, eating healthy nutritious meals, prioritising sleep and rest, spending time in nature, doing things that bring me joy and surrounding myself with people who love and support me. Slowly, I came back to life. Throughout this entire journey my pain turned into my greatest power and that became my purpose in life. It is what drives my mission forward today and is why I created Lenny London.
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The only people who will ever truly understand the depths of abuse are those who have unfortunately lived it. If it’d never happened to me I wouldn’t have understood it either. I want you to know you are not defined by the abuse you endured but by the strength that carries you forward. You see a victim, I see a survivor.
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I speak from experience with the utmost love and compassion. I know there will be days when you feel exhausted and it feels as though the weight of the world is on your shoulders, but it will pass. I know there will be times when you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it’ll shine through again. I know you may think giving up is easier, but it isn’t. The thing that was meant to destroy you will actually become the very thing that God uses to make you into the woman you're meant to become. You can and you will make it through the other side.
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It’s not going to be easy but nevertheless, you can do it. I know you can because like me, you're doing the very best you can and that's enough. After everything you’ve been through, you still keep going and I’m proud of you. I know you can do this because I did it and I’m no different to you. It doesn't matter how long it takes you to get out the other side, you'll get there. Your dream life is waiting for you. I’m rooting for you every step of the way.
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For anyone currently in an abusive relationship this is what you need to know…
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Do not let fear hold you back, you have to keep moving forward to fight for your freedom. You deserve happiness, peace and a healthy love. Create a plan of action (including an escape plan that prioritises your safety first). Let your family and friends know what you’re doing and also let the police know. Cut all contact immediately with your abuser and any mutual acquaintances. Change your number and make all social media accounts private or temporarily deactivate your account (don’t let anyone know your whereabouts). Keep all evidence of the abuse as it’ll help when applying for court orders (if needed). Have a strong support network ready and a safe place you can go to, whether it's with family or friends. Seek out supportive communities and professional help in the form of therapies. Prioritise your health and wellbeing by getting good quality sleep, eating healthy meals, journaling, and daily exercise (in nature if possible). Do all of the things that make you happy and write down 3 things you’re grateful for every morning when you wake up. Lastly, and most importantly, deepen your relationship with God and pray daily.
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UK Helplines and Crisis Contacts:
0808 2000 247
nationaldahelpline.org.uk
Free 24-hour helpline for women who have experienced domestic abuse and violence, with all female advisors. Also offers a live chat and can help to find refuge accommodation. Run by the domestic violence charity Refuge.
Refuge
0808 2000 247
refuge.org.uk
Support, information and advocacy for women and children who have experienced domestic violence and abuse.
Surviving Economic Abuse
0132 363 5987 (Financial Support Line)
survivingeconomicabuse.org
Information and resources for women who have experienced economic abuse. Also a helpline offering advice to those experiencing domestic abuse in financial difficulty, run with Money Advice Plus.
Woman’s Trust
0207 034 0303
womanstrust.org.uk
A specialist mental health charity for women who have experienced domestic abuse. Provides free face-to-face counselling, workshops, therapy and support groups in certain London boroughs.
Women's Aid (England)
Women's Aid Live Chat support
womensaid.org.uk
Information and support for women and children who have experienced domestic abuse, including support by live chat, a directory of local services and a forum.
Hub of Hope
hubofhope.co.uk
UK-wide mental health service database. Lets you search for local, national, peer, community, charity, private and NHS mental health support. You can filter results to find specific kinds of support.
Samaritans
116 123 (freephone)
jo@samaritans.org
Freepost SAMARITANS LETTERS
samaritans.org
Samaritans are open 24/7 for anyone who needs to talk. You can visit some Samaritans branches in person. Samaritans also have a Welsh Language Line on 0808 164 0123 (7pm–11pm every day).
Victim Support
0808 168 9111
victimsupport.org.uk
Provides emotional and practical support for people affected by crime and traumatic events.
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Karly Arber is a Business Mentor, Brand Strategist, Domestic Abuse Campaigner and the Founder of Lenny London. Head to her Instagram to book a one-on-one coaching session, join one of her transformative trainings or attend her community meet-ups. Follow her on Instagram.
